VMAs, Fashion Rocks, Bravo television versus crack cocaine, and oh yeah, a little thing I like to call…NY FASHION WEEK!

Welcome back my hot cheesy little biscuits.

In writing this post I am faced with a truly epic challenge.

Because so many life changing very very important things have happened since we last spoke.

Like this:

                     Hee haw! No seriously. I die.

And this AMAZING ridicurous fierce diva at Fashion Rocks.

My cockles are warm:

The VMAs were on Sunday. Has anybody else noticed how completely uninspired this awards show has become? Boring. I enjoy flashy performances and great clothes just like you, but can’t we just flip through a magazine and watch late night instead? I am so tired of feeling pressured to watch three hours of the tired  VMAs for like, one exciting moment…but…I am such a proud parent of Britney Spears I want to put a bumper sticker on my car.

On Tuesday night Fashion Rocks reminded us of the seductive transformative relationship that exists between music and the runway; not to mention the power of both to raise awareness and bring artists together for a great cause- Stand Up to Cancer. The decade driven montages (Eighties, Motown, Disco…we get it!) preceding each catwalk was uber cheese but the clothes that followed were satisfying. Mmm-mmm! I love a belly full of Vera Wang.

Speaking of bellies.  The following is an open letter to Fergie:

I am not responding positively to you, Fergie. Are you relevant? Definitely not in the fashion universe. You performed TWICE at Fashion Rocks. Once was with Blondie. You are not worthy. The other was with Black Eyed Peas. Ugh, really? You wore Gucci. But the Gucci was like a weird boho/psychedelic/mod dress I wore from Express in junior high. And you look like Jabba the Hut. Quit it. Love, The Biscuit

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S

 

Moving on, I have three words for you- Chad, Josh, Madison. The second season of Million Dollar Listing ended on Tuesday. AH-mazing. In case you missed it I will summarize with bullet points:

  • Josh was feeling burnt out by his difficult 22 year old wealthy Hollywood lifestyle and took holiday with his grandmother in New York. They held hands and rode around Central Park in a horse drawn carriage.
  • Chad sold a 6+ million dollar home to Judy, a good family friend and apparent plasic surgery partner of his mother. Chad’s mom baked a cake for Judy to celebrate. Before they eat Chad remarks to Judy, “I want to see your face when you put it in your mouth.” I bet, Chad. I bet.
  • Madison has the revelation that he is satisfied by women emotionally and men sexually. How confusing…oh wait. You just described every straight woman on the face of the earth. Welcome.
  • A bitchfight of epic proportions insues when Josh uses the last of Chad’s can of Rave and Chad hides Josh’s smoky charcoal eyeshadow. Meow.

Can’t wait for next season ladies!

Also on Tuesday night Bravo premiered Nostradamus’ new reality show about my life to come. Otherwise known as The Rachel Zoe Project. That’s Zoe like toe. It’s hard for me to really describe the immediate obsession that washed over me while watching this show. Rachel Zoe is arguably the #1celebrity stylist anywhere. You might recognize her as the guest judge from Project Runway’s recent car challenge. Perez Hilton calls her Raisin Face. I like to think of her more as the aged Bratz doll that I aspire to be. Her life consists of using her fashion knowledge and expertise to fill a studio with a million dollars worth of designer clothing and then use that clothing to dress famous people.

heartsigh.

She considers her collection of Birkin bags art and refers to her sunglasses as “sunnies”.

Also on the show is her styling assistant Taylor and Taylor’s assistant Brad.

Taylor is a horrible peroxide ruined bitch who needs to shave her head and start over. She treats Brad terribly and all Brad wants to do is be a charming queen and share his life with her. We hate you Taylor. Team Brad!

There’s a lot more I could say about this show but I’m sure I’ve lost most of you already, coz you probably haven’t watched it yet. SO WATCH IT! PLEASE! Tuesdays @ 10. On Bravo. Obs der.

I will finish by saying NY FASHION WEEK is happening. I have so much to say. I’m drooling. Actually right now, I’m drooling. But I’m going to wait to recap next week. But I will leave you with this thought…if Michael or Marc has anything to do with it (don’t they have EVERYTHING to do with it?) get used to the look of those boyfriend jeans Katie Holmes has been wearing recently.

Enjoy! Love Jess

Kanye West, so fly, in the front row at Proenza Schouler.

Kanye West, so fly, in the front row at Proenza Schouler.

 

 

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1 Comment

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One response to “VMAs, Fashion Rocks, Bravo television versus crack cocaine, and oh yeah, a little thing I like to call…NY FASHION WEEK!

  1. Zach

    This is an intense biscuit blog. But I thoroughly agree with the Fergie-thing. Someone needs to choke her with a chain.

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