Your boyfriend jeans are not cute. You’ve got it twisted. I’m sorry if skinny jeans haven’t been your thing over the last few years, but that is no reason you should punish your body with ugly unflattering faux deconstructed denim.
Knock it off. Srsly.
That goes for you too, over Urban Outfitted harem panted idiot.
In other news.
My fashion has a first name, its O-S-C-A-R.
The Oscars were over a month ago, but I don’t care. What fun. Apparently they gave out gold statues there to celebrate fine accomplishments in film. I can’t be sure. What I do know I am required to share with you ranked in descending order. Beginning with:
#5- Angelina Jolie in black Elie Saab.
Whatever. You hate Angelina Jolie, she’s a homewrecker, she’s pretentious, you don’t even think she’s attractive….blah blah blah. You’re a liar and newsflash-taking a stand on Angelina does not make you better or more interesting than anyone else that admits the facts. Which are:
- she is a naturally striking beautiful successful woman with a killer bod.
- at this years Oscars she wore a draped sweetheart side slit black Elie Saab gown and made it look like heaven’s LBD.
- she does not need to ever actually say, “na nanny boo boo, I’m Angelina Jolie.” she just wears 2.5 million dollar tear drop emerald earrings.
- and finally, if you were working with Brad Pitt and he said, “Hey, I know I’m married to Jenn and all, but I really like you. Will you be my girlfriend?” you would totally do it.
#4- Sarah Jessica Parker in Dior Haute Couture.
- Haute couture.
That’s all you need to know. Unless you don’t know what haute couture means. It is the utmost level of custom design. An exclusive custom garment, made of the finest fabrics, usually hand sewn.
#3- Marisa Tomei in Atelier Versace.
This origami pleated gown was totally incredible. Really amazing. And she pulled it off effortlessly. The dress could have been a complete disaster on someone else. Nineties Marisa in cropped shirts and mini skirts is long gone. She deserves credit for the glamazon she is today. Always one to watch when the carpet is red. Also, check out the entire 2009 Atelier collection at versace.com. Inspiring.
#2- Natalie Portman in Rodarte.
Things I love- Rodarte, affenpinschers, and ice cream sandwiches. Things I don’t love-Natalie Portman, cargo pants, and fine tip ball point pens. Apparently, when two things are combined from either list I ABSOLUTELY ADORE IT. Natalie is no stranger to Rodarte and this pink orchid gown was incredible on her. Perfect. Perfect on her skin tone and body structure. Perfect skirt. Perfect color. Perfect pailettes (something I never thought I’d say). She totally nailed it. Gorg. Now I’m going to try putting cargo pants on my affenpinscher…
#1.5 Kate Winslet in Atelier YSL.
Honestly…I don’t think I would love this dress, at all, if it didn’t contain Kate Winslet’s body. Which was perfect and smokin in this gown. Grey degrade satin, black silk tulle embroidery. Bordering on a yawn. For me! Just for me. But again-I included it because everyone loves her and loved this dress and disagrees with the Biscuit on this. The hair, makeup; it is classic glamourous movie star Kate. But I have loved her far more in other gowns.
#1- Penelope Cruz in vintage Balmain.
Penelope. Bleh. I’m usually not the biggest fan. (Exception- the 2007 Oscars, Atelier Versace. Holla Marisa!) However, this dress was museum quality. That’s it. It truly stole my breath. 1950 vintage Pierre Balmain. The lace? Ruched chiffon? C’mon-C’MON! Incroyable. She met the gown eight years ago in Beverly Hills and went back for it this season. I can imagine. It will take me far more than eight years to get over it.
Run out to Target and start perusing the sale racks for Mr. McQueen’s line. One run launched in February. I was disappointed (neon pink? zipper hems? Srsly?) BUT not so disappointed that I don’t like it more on sale. Still gets me off to have his name so close to my skin.
Til then, love and yeast,